Rational or Relational: That is the question!
As I have embarked on extensive study of the brain and its functions, my work as a therapist and parent have sharpened. One of the simpler insights that helped me tremendously was to understand that there are two different parts of the brain for rational and relational functioning. It has been my misguided, misfortune to attempt many times in my work to approach relational problems with rational thinking. Unfortunately, this can provide a temporary relief for the person lighting up their rational brain systems. But woe to the person with the relational problem who does not receive a relational solution. This has often lead to a stronger degree of frustration and annoyance for one seeking help.
In my training, I was always reminded that emotions are relational. Therefore, whenever someone discusses a problem or conflict that involves another person always be on the lookout for an emotion. Most emotions related to conflict are negative or uncomfortable (i.e. anger, sadness, fear). When most of us anticipate discomfort we start moving in an opposite direction on the path of denial. Ironically, those uncomfortable emotions hold the very keys to our dilemma. In fact, our relational brain is initiating those emotions for a reason, but our rational brain decides to detour toward smoother more complicated roadways.
Rational problems require rational solutions, but relational problems (even with ourselves) need the patience and curiosity to navigate the more rewarding options of relational solutions.
- Determine what emotion is coming up in a conflict.
- Try to articulate your emotion in one or two words.
- Hold the feeling of that emotion for a few moments with some slow, deep breathes.
- With the relational brain now engaged and calm, explore with healthy curiosity why that emotional response would make sense based on the circumstances.
- Expressing rather then venting your feelings to another is a much more effective route to resolution.
